I would like nothing more right now, than to walk right out of the Church and not look back. No, maybe I would look back. Only for a moment. Long enough to give it the finger before I walk away.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of Christians who don’t act like Christians. I’m tired of the relentless inability of people to admit they are wrong - just maybe! That just maybe they are wrong! I mean, maybe not…but just a possibility! I’m tired of the fake smiles every Sunday morning. I’m tired of the same old song, sung the same old way, without any passion. I’m tired of the constant resistance to change, every generation, time after time, the same thing, over, and over, and over. I’m tired of reaching for an ideal that doesn’t exist. I’m tired of struggling to hold on to hope that that ideal could ever exist. I’m tired of people who refuse to be the community God wants them to. I’m tired of the fact that they’d rather let people commit spiritual suicide rather than be the community God wants them to be. I’m tired of it always being so black and white. I’m tired of their systematic theology. I’m tired of their excuses for sin. I’m tired of their facades, their subtle deception, their ingenuineness, their arrogance. I’m tired of the politics. I’m tired of the game.

It was so different when I was little. It was one big happy family. The church, I mean. Nice old grandmas baking apple pies and talking about God’s will. The preacher up front keeping the world under control. The Sunday School teacher who knew all the facts. The innocence has been stripped away. I see it for what it really is. Oddly, what it really is is what is always has been…I just see how that what it really is isn’t what it’s supposed to be. If that makes sense. But my innocence was stripped away, and I cared. I wanted so badly to help the problem. I loved. I put my heart into this thing…this thing called the Church. And I’m left alone…alone admist a bunch of other people who feel alone because we’re all too afraid to be who we really are.

I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore. I want something different. Something real. Something genuine. Not this…not this. I’m tired of caring.

I don’t want to play this game anymore. I don’t like this game. I refuse to play it. I quit. I don’t care what they think. I don’t care if they all hate me. I don’t care if they’re offended. I don’t care if their little fake happy bubbles are shattered. I don’t care if I’m an anomole. I can’t quit the Church, as much I would like to. I know that. It’s not an option. God won’t let it be an option, and I still care too much for it to be an option (even if I want to not care). But I can do what I can. And if being a real Christian means the rest of them push me away, well, so be it. I’m tired of this game. Tired of it. And I refuse to play anymore.

Losing Grip
Avril Lavigne

Are you aware of what
You make me feel
Right now I feel invisible to you
Like I’m not real
Didn’t you feel me lock
my arms around you
Why’d you turn away
Here’s what I have to say

I was left to cry there
Waiting outside there
Grinning with a lost stare
That’s when I decided

Why should I care
Cause you weren’t there
when I was scared
I was so alone
You need to listen
I’m startin to trip
I’m losing my grip
And I’m in this thing alone

Am I just some person
you placed beside you
To take somebody’s place
When you turn around
Can you recognize my face
You used to love me
You used to hug me
But that wasn’t the case
Everything wasn’t ok

I was left to cry there
Waiting outside there
Grinning with a lost stare
That’s when I decided

Why should I care
Cause you weren’t there
when I was scared
I was so alone
You need to listen
I’m startin to trip
I’m losing my grip
And I’m in this thing alone

Cyring out loud
I’m crying out loud
Crying out loud
I’m crying out loud
Open your eyes
Open up wide

Why should I care
Cause you weren’t there
when I was scared
I was so alone
Why should I care
If you don’t care
Then I don’t care
We’re not going anywhere

It is a hard thing to see from afar the problems and inconsistancies, yes, the sin, in the Church. It is a hard thing to sit back, removed, and observe with great sorrowthe decline of God’s people. It is a hard thing for one such as me, an idealist, desiring so greatly to see and experience the Church as laid out in the New Testament, and yet having it be always just out of reach, dangling tantilizingly in front of me, offering community, love, and belonging, yet still being so far away. At times I almost feel as if it taunts me, mocks me, dares me to try to reach a little further…and I grasp, and clutch at thin air, finding more of the same. I have wept, I have ached, I have felt so great a burden for the Church, and its state. Yes, it is a hard thing to sit by and watch all of this.

I never thought I could feel a greater hurt, a great heartache, than seeing this slow progression downhill, and feeling helpless to do anything about it, just a small being in the midst of a convoluted religious system that has lost its first love and forgotten why it exists.

I was wrong. For, you see, it is one thing to sit on the sidelines doing what little I can, always struggling to do more, and another thing entirely to suddenly be thrust into the thick of it personally. To suddenly be slapped in the face with the reality of what I have observed for so long. To suddenly be awakened, like a gust of bitter cold wind permeating my being, to the shocking truth of all I have observed.

And it is indeed a cold feeling. Emotionally, I feel sapped of all warmth, of all comfort, and though I fight to cling to it, almost of all hope. The hurt I felt before is nothing compared to this. This - this fact that Christians really don’t act like they should towards each other - and somehow that’s works out to be okay in people’s minds. Somehow, it’s okay to lie, to deceive, to gossip, generally speaking, to not act like the loving, supportive, encouraging community that God designed the Church to be.

No, I am no longer an on-looker. Here I am, standing still while contradictions, lies, gossip, and who knows what else I don’t know? whirl around me. Here, now, I experience the heartache that comes merely for trying to serve God and help to change kids lives. I am confused - the contradictions, the excuses, the lies - who to trust? People I thought I could trust - no more. I am not perfect. But I live everyday trying to please God - trying to strive toward that seeming unreachable goal of true community - changing what needs to be changed in my own life to do my part. And I am angry. Angry that so much time has been wasted trying to deal with this rather than working together to try and help these students. Angry at the Church for being filled with such hypocrisy. Angry at God for letting the Church be filled with such hypocrisy.

I am broken-hearted. Part of me wants to give up on this crumbling establishment that God seemed to think was such a good idea - just walk out, leave it behind - not my faith, mind you, but them - all of them. They don’t care, so why should I?

And yet I do care - so deeply it hurts. I have never cared more, and I know that that is not the answer. I know I could never leave this - no matter how corrupt it has become. In some twisted way, I am attached by bonds that I did not form. And that is what makes me care so much. This is, after all, my family. No, it is my lot to live in this tension and look foward to, if nothing else, the day when Jesus will make it all right again.

For now, I will wait here, until the dust settles, and I can see again. Perhaps - perhaps there is yet hope out there. In the midst of it, it is difficult to see. I can only look up.

And therein lies my solace.

Alas, while I love this new blog format, I have lost through the upgrade all entries that had an extended entry link. Fortunately, I managed to find all of them except one through Google or Yahoo’s cache system; copy and paste, there we go! Unfortunately, the only one that I could not find cached was one of my favorites: Little Guys Can Do Big Things Too. I put alot of thought into that one! *sigh* Ah well. Perhaps it was not meant to be…

I still hold on to hope though…I don’t suppose anyone saved that entry because they thought it was, in the words of my geeky husband, uber-cool?

[6/14 Edit: I am so happy! Len found my entry after all!!! So I have Little Guys Can Do Big Things Too after all! Yea! All my hard work has not gone to waste!]