I would like nothing more right now, than to walk right out of the Church and not look back. No, maybe I would look back. Only for a moment. Long enough to give it the finger before I walk away.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of Christians who don’t act like Christians. I’m tired of the relentless inability of people to admit they are wrong - just maybe! That just maybe they are wrong! I mean, maybe not…but just a possibility! I’m tired of the fake smiles every Sunday morning. I’m tired of the same old song, sung the same old way, without any passion. I’m tired of the constant resistance to change, every generation, time after time, the same thing, over, and over, and over. I’m tired of reaching for an ideal that doesn’t exist. I’m tired of struggling to hold on to hope that that ideal could ever exist. I’m tired of people who refuse to be the community God wants them to. I’m tired of the fact that they’d rather let people commit spiritual suicide rather than be the community God wants them to be. I’m tired of it always being so black and white. I’m tired of their systematic theology. I’m tired of their excuses for sin. I’m tired of their facades, their subtle deception, their ingenuineness, their arrogance. I’m tired of the politics. I’m tired of the game.

It was so different when I was little. It was one big happy family. The church, I mean. Nice old grandmas baking apple pies and talking about God’s will. The preacher up front keeping the world under control. The Sunday School teacher who knew all the facts. The innocence has been stripped away. I see it for what it really is. Oddly, what it really is is what is always has been…I just see how that what it really is isn’t what it’s supposed to be. If that makes sense. But my innocence was stripped away, and I cared. I wanted so badly to help the problem. I loved. I put my heart into this thing…this thing called the Church. And I’m left alone…alone admist a bunch of other people who feel alone because we’re all too afraid to be who we really are.

I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore. I want something different. Something real. Something genuine. Not this…not this. I’m tired of caring.

I don’t want to play this game anymore. I don’t like this game. I refuse to play it. I quit. I don’t care what they think. I don’t care if they all hate me. I don’t care if they’re offended. I don’t care if their little fake happy bubbles are shattered. I don’t care if I’m an anomole. I can’t quit the Church, as much I would like to. I know that. It’s not an option. God won’t let it be an option, and I still care too much for it to be an option (even if I want to not care). But I can do what I can. And if being a real Christian means the rest of them push me away, well, so be it. I’m tired of this game. Tired of it. And I refuse to play anymore.

Losing Grip
Avril Lavigne

Are you aware of what
You make me feel
Right now I feel invisible to you
Like I’m not real
Didn’t you feel me lock
my arms around you
Why’d you turn away
Here’s what I have to say

I was left to cry there
Waiting outside there
Grinning with a lost stare
That’s when I decided

Why should I care
Cause you weren’t there
when I was scared
I was so alone
You need to listen
I’m startin to trip
I’m losing my grip
And I’m in this thing alone

Am I just some person
you placed beside you
To take somebody’s place
When you turn around
Can you recognize my face
You used to love me
You used to hug me
But that wasn’t the case
Everything wasn’t ok

I was left to cry there
Waiting outside there
Grinning with a lost stare
That’s when I decided

Why should I care
Cause you weren’t there
when I was scared
I was so alone
You need to listen
I’m startin to trip
I’m losing my grip
And I’m in this thing alone

Cyring out loud
I’m crying out loud
Crying out loud
I’m crying out loud
Open your eyes
Open up wide

Why should I care
Cause you weren’t there
when I was scared
I was so alone
Why should I care
If you don’t care
Then I don’t care
We’re not going anywhere