Last week Calvin and I visited our first new church. It was okay, but not for us. The people who were “supposed” to be nice (ie. the official greeter, the man behind the information counter, and the pastor) were nice enough. The greeter gave us a tour of the building. He was friendly. But, that’s his job. I’m not really impressed by friendly greeters. No one else talked or smiled at us. Of course, in larger churches (>200 people) I’m less critical, because I realize that there are just too many people to know everyone and who’s new and who’s not (although Calvin and I, afterwards, were discussing potential ways of getting around that for the sake of visitors feeling welcome). But, if how many people they had in the service we went to (they have two) is normal, anyone who’s been there for any length of time should have known we were visitors.

At any rate, I’m not really trying to be too critical of the church; I understand that’s how most “contemporary,” modern churches are. I think it’s just the culture of the people that kind of church attracts. But, I’ve done more than my share of church shopping (due to the military life, much more than Calvin has), and there’s just something nice about some of those smaller “country” churches that are sooooo incredibly friendly. The problem with those is, is that while they may be friendly on the outside, that’s only as long as you conform to their community standards, which normally are outward standards. I’m not sure what would happen if I walked into one of those churches looking like a Goth. It would probably depend on the church, of course. I’ve seen God do a great work in my home church, which used to be one of those stuck-in-the-mud, traditional, but friendly churches. They are very welcoming of all types now.

Anyways, back to the church we visited last week. Friendliness aside, I know both Calvin and I thought our heads were going to explode sitting through that sermon. It’s not that it was bad persay…it was just…*sigh* so typically Christian. Prooftexting. Taking verses out of context. Using Greek words to prove something that I, who don’t even know Greek, am extremely skeptical that he knew what he was talking about in that regards. We’ve just been too spoiled by being able to listen to the Word properly exegeted yet practically applied every week. It’s going to be find hard to find that again.

Yet, at the same time, both Calvin and I left feeling rather empty. Neither of us really feel that the Sunday morning service paradigm is really accomplishing anything worthwhile. We’re not sure what the point is. Even at our former church, we weren’t sure what the point was. Fellowship? You’ve got to be kidding. Singing? So have a sing-fest sometime. Discipleship? Well, sure…but I learn, as do most people, alot more sitting in a small group having discussion with other people who care. So, I ask again…why do Sunday mornings? Why is that “church”? Why are you a bad Christian if you don’t go to Sunday morning services? Why not just go to small groups? Is that forsaking the fellowship? Can’t we find another way to fellowship besides this…Sunday…thing? Unfortunately, in America, that *is* how you do church. There isn’t anything else. Unless you get into the emergent church movement. But there aren’t any of those around here, and I’m not sure I really want to do that anyways.

So, I don’t think we’ll be going back there. I’m not sure where we’re going to go. We’re not going to find what we’re looking for. Not around here anyways. We’d have to move out west somewhere, where they’re a little more open. But, we’re not moving. So, we’re kinda stuck. So we’ll have to find some church and do our Christian duty and suffer through Sunday morning services. We were going to give every church we visited 3 weeks. But what if you just don’t *like* the church? And I didn’t. And I’m not sure I’ll find one I do. It’s rather depressing.

So, Calvin decided that we weren’t going to church this morning. I think he’s concerned about me. He says that I need a week off to heal. You see - I can’t even go to church anymore without wondering if any of these people are being real. None of what happened was directed at me personally, but indirectly, it hurt me very badly. I can’t trust anyone. Maybe they’re real, maybe there not. Let’s just face it; I don’t like church. I don’t really like THE Church either. If I weren’t a Christian, I’d never have anything to do with Christians again. But, I am a Christian, and I know from the inside that it’s not about what Christians do, but what God has done for me, and so in faithfulness to God, I’m rather stuck with the Church, and Christians alike. It’s rather infuriating, but I can’t do much about it.

I’m not really sure that taking a week off will do anything. I think the only thing that can heal me (aside from God), though I doubt I’ll ever really be the same again, is finding a group of real, authentic Christians who can show me that they’re not *all* evil hypocrites. I pray that God will bring that into my life. Meanwhile, I really don’t like church, and I don’t like Christians, but I’m trying to be open to people. Maybe taking a week off will help some, but I’ve got to give people a chance. And I can’t do that sitting at home. *sigh* So, after today, next week, it’s back to church shopping. We have two more possibilities to try. Well three. But that’s another story. Anyways…over and out.