I never thought that choosing somewhere to go for grad work could be quite so frustrating. First, it was the enthusiasm of possibly going to Gordon-Conwell at the end of my college studies. Then, that faded away as Calvin and I got involved heavily in ministry at a church we loved; and began to feel so passionately that we needed to stick around (and we’ve both realized that that was the driving force behind why we chose not to go straight on to grad work) and continue working with those teens. And then…when that failed painfully, we began looking more recently at grad work again. That was when all this confusion started. First it was looking at secular universities, Brandice, Penn State, Cornell…then the frustration of realizing that maybe that wasn’t quite what I wanted…then trying to find a seminary with what I wanted…becoming excited about a program at Biblical, only to find that they are not what I want…and now, of all things, I’m back to Gordon-Conwell again! I’ve come full circle, and I can only hope I don’t start going round again.

In some ways, I feel like I’m back to being a teenager again, listening woefully to Michael W. Smith’s “Place in this World.” Ah, how it burns my pride even to admit that - surely I should be long past that stage! Yet it is not quite the same thing now. Now I know who I am, and what I want, and I think, I hope, what God wants - I just am not quite sure how to channel that passion into something productive.

Now, though, and I say this with much reserve, it seems like Gordon-Conwell’s program is what I need. I have the languages, I have the exegesis, and some fun off-the-wall theology and ministry courses to boot. And though Calvin hates the fact that they want to make him take preaching courses, he is otherwise satisfied with the M.Div program.

Perhaps…perhaps I needed this year after all. Perhaps we needed this year, as I know Calvin has done alot of thinking as well. Much has happened, and we have been able to think through what we really want to do…which is important when choosing a grad program, I suppose! All the same, I will be relieved when the decision is finally made and we are off for another few years of accelarated learning. I can’t stand this “drifty” feeling. But - and I smile as I say this - it’s only been 6 months, after all; some people sadly spend their whole lives trying to figure out what they want out of life! I am still so very young, and am reminded frequently of how much I have to learn and how far I have to go - both in education and in my journey with God.

The latter, especially - all the education in the world cannot be a subtitute for a healthy and growing relationship with God, as I must remind myself frequently!