After pondering on Dr. Snyder’s most recent blog entry, I must say I agree that church is not a place that I long to go to. Quite the contrary; I don’t want to go at all.

However, the first question that came to my mind when considering this Psalm and the blog post was: does “going to church” = “going to temple”? The author of this Psalm longs for the temple; yet it is not necessarily the temple, per say, but what he finds there - God’s presence. Certainly God doesn’t live at church. However, he does live within his people. Is there some sort of equivalence there? Should I long to “go” to church because I am gathering with the many “temples” of God? Somehow that rings hollow, and maybe that’s because of my own experience with God’s people. I don’t think that “going to church”, ie. Sunday morning service, equals going to the temple. If anything it has to be the concept of church capital C that equates, not the form that church takes.

And I think that there is where my problem lies. Not with the idea of Church, but the way it is expressed. “Institutionalized” Christianity Dr. Snyder called it. In fact, I think I can sympathize quite strongly with the Psalmist if we can equate those two. I long quite frequently for true “Church.” The difference in the two experiences is that the Psalmist finds what he is looking for; I do not. I find God often enough, in my personal study and relationship, but somewhere deep inside I know that this is not enough. There is something missing, something that I really long for. And somehow this means I am missing out on part of the Christian experience.

I have used this metaphor before, but to me it is like chasing the wind (kudos to Qohelet for that one). I am always striving to grasp it, make it my own, absorb it into my life, but it continually eludes me. I cannot catch it, no matter how hard I try.

And then I ask, am I trying hard enough? Is it my problem, not the Church’s? Certainly some of the burden lies on my shoulders; I can’t stay home and moan that I don’t like church if I never attempt to interact with it. I also can’t take my past experiences, in which I have thrown my heart and soul into the “Church” and been very badly burned, and let those dictate my view of the Church at large. At the same time, I don’t think that I am holing myself up, and I really really am trying to maintain a sense of hope.

But there is something, something, something…that I am missing. I’m not even sure I can lay a finger on it, but there is a longing, a yearning, for something that I cannot find. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if you are familiar with the terminology of the “The 5 Love Languages” it is as if my “church-tank” is empty, and there is no gas station that sells my kind of fuel. It is nothing so superficial and petty as preferences such as music choices, but something deeper that is just not there, or if it is it no longer seems available to me.

And that is another elusive point. At one point I enjoyed church, not just Sunday mornings but the whole experience. I liked getting together with God’s people. And there are others who seem to live perfectly peaceful lives with God and the church. Then again how would I know maybe they too are being eaten up inside by the masks they feel forced to wear.

But back to the Psalm, all this is nice but I still am not convinced that even “Church” capital C is equivalent with this psalmist picture of the temple journey. The focus is on the thrill of being in the presence of God at his dwelling place, and the “spiritual high” he finds there. Even were the Church to be genuine and obedient I am not sure that this is all you need. There still has to be a thirst for God. I find this in my study of his word and the thrills I find at discovering new things and discussing them with people. I don’t find this at church, nor with the Church, and somehow there is a worship for God that must find its place in the heart of the individual. I can have good fellowship but if my heart and flesh does not cry out for the living God, where is the point in that? The psalmist certainly encourages obedience and righteous living which is also an essential part of the believer’s life. Desire, obedience, and yes - gathering with the Church seem to be all a set of components that must make up my life.

This worries me, as now I am wondering: am I missing out on what could be a deeper and more fulfilling relationship with God because I cannot find my place in the Church? Because I feel unconnected, an outsider looking in, a stranger? And even more frustrating, what can I do about it? Meaninglessness, always chasing, never caught, always thirsting, never quenched, always longing, never fulfilled. I can ignore it for a time, but I always come back to it, again and again, and I feel helpless to change it, to ever find it.

Perhaps most of this is completely unrelated to Psalm 84, other than in my trying to figure out how the psalmist’s experience can be transferred to the Christian’s, but it is where my thoughts led me. When I read this Psalm, I will admit I think God, not Church. It speaks to something in me, but not the longing for Church. It speaks to my desire for God, and his presence in my life. I don’t know how a temple fits into my experience, but I do know that where God is, I want to be - even as a mere doorkeeper.

Psalm 84

1How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD of hosts!
2My soul longs, yes, faints
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and flesh sing for joy
to the living God.

3Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may lay her young,
at your altars, O LORD of hosts,
my King and my God.
4Blessed are those who dwell in your house,
ever singing your praise!
Selah

5Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
6As they go through the Valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
7They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.

LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer;
give ear, O God of Jacob!
Selah

9Behold our shield, O God;
look on the face of your anointed!

10For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
11For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
12O LORD of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in you!