Torn

August 9, 2007 at 11:05 pm (Education, Ministry)

I feel as though I am a person torn in two. I feared that it would come to this, and yet I have hoped all along that somehow I would find a way to reconcile my two passions within me, to even bring them to harmonize with each other. But it seems that it is not to be quite yet a perfect duet.

I face a terrible decision that I know really isn’t a decision at all because of the path I have already chosen to follow at this juncture in my life, and I feel as though the other part of me has been placed on a back burner set on warm. It isn’t a nice feeling at all, but I know if I deviated from my path even a little, that wouldn’t be a nice feeling either, and I would regret it ultimately.

I am a person torn in two. On one hand, I am following this adventure of education – I am driven by some unearthly desire to learn more about the Hebrew Bible and anything that will help me understand it better. On the other, I find myself back in ministry, serving with my husband, getting to know a new group of teenagers, and I’m remembering my calling and love for the church, specifically, young people.

Why do these things seem so incompatible? In the end, I don’t think they are – or I would be reconsidering my life’s path. I have blogged on this before, long ago. I am seeking education in the hopes of being able to pass it on, not merely for my own personal benefit – because I have a passion for the church – and I do believe it will benefit my ministry there, on the way, and ultimately. However, in the meanwhile, education is hard work, and time consuming – and there is only so much time in a day, in a week. If I have to take Akkadian on Wednesday nights, then that means no Wednesday night youth group at church, for me. It pains me greatly, but it would pain me if I chose not to take Akkadian as well. I know that to some extent I’m putting youth ministry in the box of one event, but I also realistically know that that is when the majority of students will come, and when I would hang out and continue to develop relationships with them. I will not be cut off entirely, but for a semester at least, I will be somewhat more a stranger to many of the students, and I cut off that night of support to my husband.

Some might criticize me for that, and were it not for the unfailing encouragement and support of my husband to continue in the path of education, and that I absolutely must take Akkadian, and any other class that may interfere at some other point, or stay home to do homework and study if I must – I might falter. I am, after all, a person torn in two, and I dislike – no – I despise having to diminish a part of me for a season in order to develop the other, even if only a little. Finding a proper balance will be a challenge, and I worry I am not up to the task, and I struggle to keep perspective, and to remember I can’t see God’s.

But, I look forward to a day when both sides of me will each have their own different melodies, yes, but will be able to sing in beautiful harmony with each other as a single song, to the glory of God.

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3 Comments

  1. wezlo said,

    “I am, after all, a person torn in two, and I dislike – no – I despise having to diminish a part of me for a season in order to develop the other, even if only a little.”

    I find this quote interesting. Why does becoming less on one aspect of life so another aspect can grow repulse you like this? I understand your struggle – but this line caught my eye and I’d love to see you work it out some.

  2. eliana said,

    I think to some extent I feel guilty, like I’m neglecting something really important that I should be doing. Also, it’s something I want to be doing and enjoy, but I can’t do everything.

  3. jhaas said,

    tears. i miss you

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